I Checked All The Boxes...

I watched a movie a while back, That Awkward Moment. And at the time I found it a funny, an at times shallow movie that I probably wouldn't watch again. As it so happens, it's been on rerun on tv for the past 2 weeks and I've now seen it an additional 3 times. It draws me in everytime it's on and I even recorded it...It isn't the hot bod of Zac Efron or the ironic, sad yet comical version of every 20-soemthing's dating life right now...It's the life of Mickey, the male nurse, that I relate to and sucks me in everytime. 

He "checked all the boxes," did everything the right way, went to med school, found the right girl and got married...but still everything ended up in disarray. That's me. 

I did everything the right way. I played soccer my whole life, wanting to BE a scocer player. Always striving for it, for perfection. I made great grades, never partied or drank in high school, had the same great boyfriend, was homecoming queen, Miss GACS, and Captain of the Varsity team as a Junior and Senior. Played the right club teams and was loved by all my coaches. Made it into the right colleges. Multiple concussions and excercise induced migraines later, I lost the soccer, pushed people away. Concussions from my overly-aggressive nature set me back from BEing that soccer player. I was kept from becoming what I always wanted to be.

Change of direction. 

College. Switched to art and graphic design. Strove for perfection yet again. Met a guy, girlfriend to him for 3 years. Thought art and marriage were in my future and yet again... Disappointment. He wasn't what I thought he was. Pushed through and graduated and got the right job. 

But life isn't what I thought it would be. I have never felt more lost in life than I do now. I checked all the boxes. I did everything the way I was supposed to and have never felt more confused or discouraged as to what I want. I know I want more out of life but I don't know how to get there. I want to be so many things and our 20's are the time to go for all of those things. How do we obtain those things all the while trying to pay bills and be social and meet people. You overwork at an underpaid job in order to barely make it on rent and people are saying in your ear, "if you are unhappy then go after what you really want.." Easier said than done. How do I go after want, support myself, and pay bills all at the same time. It feels like a horrible vicious circle that I can't get out of. I'm drowning. In the feeling of failure. Disappointment. Dispair. Confusion.